Sunday, August 21, 2011

New Beginnings

I get frustrated with myself when I don't make time to write. It's not that I lack the desire to write my thoughts down...it's that my thoughts have been all over the place lately. I don't even know where to begin, so I will begin here...

"God, grant me the serenity to accept that which I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference".

Whether or not you consider yourself to be a religious person, I feel as though this prayer relates to so many people in all facets of their lives. I often think of these words when I find myself in a difficult, or painful situation. I read the words that are contained within this prayer, and interpret them to fit my own life struggles.

"Grant me the serenity to accept that which I cannot change". Life sometimes sucks. I lost my Dad to cancer in my twenties. My children will never know my father, and the love that he already had for them. I will never be able to hug my Dad again, or kiss him goodnight. My heart aches every time I pick of the phone to call him. This feeling sucks. The loss of my Dad, is something that I have no control over. I lack all power in this situation. The only power that I do have, is the way in which I deal with my loss on a daily basis. We cannot halt death, we cannot speed up time, and we cannot erase the past. We therefore need the serenity and the strength, to accept these things in life which we have no control.

"Grant me the courage to change the things I can". In life we have choices. We ultimately carry our own key to happiness. We have the ability to control the way we handle ourselves in situations, and we also contain the ability to control the way in which we allow others to handle us. I was once reminded of the quote by Eleanor Roosevelt, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent". It was not until recently that I experienced the true meaning of these words. We hold the power to our hearts, and we hold the power of our minds. We have the ability to choose who we let in our lives, and who we let go. We choose who we give our heart to. We have the power to make ourselves happy. If you're unhappy with your job, leave. If you are in a relationship in which you feel worthless, get out. If you are in a friendship that is filled with deceit and hurt, don't ever look back. These are things in which we have control of. In my personal life, I recently made a career move. I was anxious in the beginning considering my own "comfort zone", as well as the fact that this was the first major decision I ever made without my Dad's help. After walking out on my last day of this company, I have not once regretted that decision. I am amazed at the positive implications that a change in atmosphere, and overall morale, has had on my happiness. Life is too short to be unhappy. Take hold of all areas of life that you possess the ability to control.

"Grant me the wisdom to know the difference between that which I have control, and that which I do not". People get sick, and people die. Every person will lose someone that they love at some point in their life. Others will talk bad about you. More than likely, we will all get our hearts broken at least once before realizing that life does go on. Friends will betray you. Ugly words will be spoken about you, and perhaps by you. Most often than not, we will bury our parents. We will make decisions which are hard to make, but which were actually right for us in the end. Point being....this is life. The good, the bad, and the ugly. This prayer provides me with guidance, on how to face my own life with strength and with class. I try my best to take control of areas in my life which I can control, and accept the other areas to the best of my ability.

With that being said.....cheers to new beginnings....cheers to surrounding yourself with those who care about your well being, those who make you happy. We've got one shot at this life...take advantage of it.











Sincerely,
Bailey Ann

Friday, June 3, 2011

Annabele Lee

 

"But our love was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we
Of many far wiser than we
And neither the angels in heaven above,
Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabele Lee"

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Soul Sisters

The first time I heard the word, "Soul Sister" I thought of that old school song, "Lady Marmalade". And then I met Britny.....

Britny and I met through different circumstances, and she has quickly become my best friend. Britny lost her Mom to metastatic breast cancer exactly five months to the day that I lost my Dad to metastatic esophageal cancer. To say this girl "gets me" would be an understatement. This girl is my Angel. Losing a parent is a feeling you do not understand until you go through it. I have lost grandparents, and although extremely sad, nothing compares to loss I feel from losing my Dad. Losing a grandparent in their 80s is a completely different story than losing a parent while you are in your twenties. My Dad will never see me pregnant, he will not be able to walk my sister down the aisle, he will not be there to spoil his grandchildren with my Mom, and he is not there for me to call after I've had a bad day. Losing a parent when you are in your twenties is a heart wrenching, sick, undescribable feeling. As girls, we look to our fathers for comfort, and to our mothers for guidance. Britny understands this feeling of walking through life with a huge hole in your heart. No matter what people say, this feeling does not go away. Things do not get better, they become different, and we learn how to deal with it. I am not "over" it and I will never be "over" it.

"You don't get over it, you just get through it. You don't get by it, because you can't get around it. It doesn't get better, it just gets different. Everyday..grief puts on a new face".


Britny has reminded me that we have more life left to live. My Dad raised us to think this way, but it is easy to forget when you hurt so much. I believe this girl was put in my life for the sole purpose of understanding my heart and providing such an amazing friendship. As friends, we balance each other out. Our "bad" days tend to fall on different days...and we are able to lift each other up when the feeling is hopeless. Some families you are born into, and others you choose along the way. Britny, I will always and forever consider you to be my sister....and I will always, always hate the 4th of every month just as much as you. I truly believe my dad and your mom are watching us and are so happy we have each other.




In other news, I have decided to get out of my "funk".  For those that know me well, you also know that I have been in a rut for the past couple of weeks. Maybe it is the weather, or the approaching year mark of Dad's death, or maybe it is just me....Nonetheless, I'm ready to live my life. I've realized that I am ok with being alone. I am a strong girl, and an even stronger woman. My ultimate happiness is determined by my own conscious efforts. I've realized that although you may want someone in your life, you do not need them there to stand on your own two feet. Life is too short and precious to just let it pass me by. I am tired of going through the motions, and I am ready to put one foot in front of the other. I miss my Dad, and others in my life terribly, but I know I am going to be ok.

Sincerely,
Bailey Ann

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Stay Calm and Blog On....

Blogging has become something that is very therapeutic to me. I do not write just for the hell of it, mainly due to the fact that my "just for the hell of it" would be extremely boring. Writing makes me feel better....and it's a hell of a lot healthier than a bottle of wine. With that said, one of the most frustrating instances I've had in my life has been attempting to reason with an irrational being. This is, by definition, an impossible feat. When dealing with situations as such, I often find myself in a position where I instinctually want to fight back on their playing field. I think it is human nature to close your eyes and swing when you're backed into a corner. My sister, Leslie, used this fighting technique when we were younger. Not that there are many punches thrown at six and eight years old, but we did have our fair share of sibling rivalry. Leslie would close her eyes and swing her arms as fast as she could coming in my direction. I hated her when she did this. What is the point of fighting if you're too scared to even see what's in front of you? Point being, although I often feel like closing my eyes and swinging, I am not scared of what I'm facing. You cannot fight ignorance with stupidity. Going forward, I am making a conscious decision, and effort, to fight ignorance with with intelligence, class, and grace. I have literally been through hell and not quiet back this year. I have seen life, love, evil, sincerity, generosity, hate, jealousy, kindness, disease, and strength. I have seen death. I will not let ignorance break me.


Sincerely,
Bailey Ann

Monday, January 31, 2011

Granny Panties

Dear Granny Panties,
I love you dearly. Nothing makes me happier than putting on a big pair of underpants at the end of the day. Although we may deny your existence, I know that I'm not alone in my feelings for you. No girl, not matter what she may say, honestly wants to sleep in underwear that has straps and buttons and lace and strings and pockets and glitter and magical surprises. If she denies this, she's lying so that some boy will think she's awesome, take her home to meet his family, introduce her to his friends as the "cool chick that doesn't wear granny panties", and then want to marry her. Sorry boys, but underneath every girls Victoria's Secret Sexy Little Things panties that say "flirt" or "untie me", is her one true love, her granny panty. Thank you granny panty for making me feel skinny after eating an entire pizza alone. Thank you for covering my entire bottom, the way it deserves to be covered. So what if I'm a small but feel like wearing an extra large bottom today today, thank you for making that possible. I am, and will forever be, one of your biggest fans.





Sincerely,
Bailey Ann
Location:My dresser

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Moments

There are significant moments, no matter big or small, that will stay with you for the rest of your life. These moments will shape the person that you become, and may change your beliefs in others. It is during these significant moments that will either break or make the bonds of friendship. My significant moment was the death of my father. For those that know me, this loss was probably one if the hardest things that I will ever go through. I will never in my life forget the friends who were there with me. The ones who sat with me on our back porch while I took shot after shot of vodka... (thanks Patrick with your airline appropriate bottles). The ones who didn't make me feel like a lush for drinking vodka at the post funeral gathering (Kari). The ones who held my hair and didn't judge me as I threw it all up (Adam Wade). The ones who brought me cupcakes for breakfast on more than one occasion (Brandi), and especially the ones who to this day, still check on me (Daniele). What's ironic is the fact that during these trivial moments of life, certain people step up as friends who didn't have to. People who haven't known you, or your family your entire life sometimes end up being the friends that you need the most. It is during these moments that will show you who you need in your life, and who you do not. I try my hardest not to be bitter towards others who may not know how to act in certain situations, but this is becoming difficult for me. It is hard for me to put on a happy face and talk about normal things with friends I haven't heard from since my Dad's funeral. Friends who didn't bother to acknowledge the fact that they were thinking about my family during the holidays. Friends who still to this day have not called, text messaged, emailed, anything just to check on me. I understand that death is difficult to talk about, but ignoring the elephant in the room, over a friend who really could have used the support, is not the right thing to do. I can only hope that I will be a better friend when someone needs me. Thank you to those who have stepped up. Thank you for your encouraging messages, words, love, and friendship. Thank you to the two Kellys and Ginny who made me feel "normal" by sharing their stories of their own personal losses. Thank you to Kim who always understands me. Thank you to Joanna who wrote my Dad the nicest message. He talked about your email for days Jo. Thank you to Daniele who has stepped up as my best friend when I needed one the most. Thank you to Abbo and Lew who wore cancer bracelets for my Daddy, and who love me even though I'm not a Marine. Thank you to everyone else who has been patient, loving, and caring towards me. Although the death if my father is something I will remember most about 2010, I will also never forget the friends who stood by me the entire time.


Sincerely,
Bailey Ann