Whats worse than a case of the Mondays??

....A case of the Mondays on a Tuesday. Blah. I'm not quite sure what is wrong with me today, but I'm just not "feeling it". Poor D (bfffff at work) has had to listen to me complain ALL DAY LONG. I thought that maybe our lunch trip to Cheddars would help, but I was wrong. I have had absolutely ZERO motivation to do much of anything today. I'm chalking it up to, "It's just one of those days." I miss my Dad a lot. Some days are harder than others, and today has been a really hard day. One thing I have been dealing with on a nightly basis, has been dreaming of my Dad. These would be nice if they were good dreams of Dad, however he is sick and in pain in pretty much every single one. As if seeing a parent in pain and dying isn't hard enough, I now have to re-live these moments every time I close my eyes at night. The dreams make me not want to sleep at all. I try thinking about happy things before bed, but it never fails, I wake up to tears and a knot in my stomach. I hear that these dreams and horrible visions will eventually stop, I'm just not sure how much more I can handle. I miss him so much. One thing I've learned about grief, is that through so much of it, you are alone. For the first couple of days, and maybe a week after after losing Dad, so many people called to offer their support. I would get asked on a daily basis how I was doing, and that someone was thinking of me. I don't think people realize how much these words actually meant. Just hearing, "I love you" from a friend warmed my heart, and made me realize that I was not alone in this. I never expected anyone to understand what I was going through, but I always appreciated the thoughts and love. I think what happens is, people forget. Only a month later, my loss is still very fresh and almost more "real" to me. I feel like I need friends and support more than ever right now. I know that life goes on for everyone else, as it is supposed to, I just sometimes feel very much alone. I find it hard at times to even get up in the morning. I get asked questions like, "What is wrong?". Do I really have to answer that? Some act, although unintentional, as if I should be "over it" already, but I can guarantee that will never happen."Why is today harder than yesterday?" Well, as time goes on, the loss and missing aspect of my Dad becomes more and more real for me. I have more time to miss him. I become envious of those who get to talk to their Dad's, and I resent those who argue with them. I cannot pick up the phone and call my Dad, and it hurts me, at this point, when people try to tell me that I can still talk to him. It is not the same. Unless you have ever been in this position, you cannot tell me that it is just as comforting. Maybe those words of advice will help me later, but not right now. I regret the tears I wasted over people, when I could have been spending time with my Dad. I hurt over those who let me down during a time when I needed them most, and then pushed me after doing so. This life altering event has forever changed me as a person. I will choose my relationships wisely. I will be patient with others. I will guard my heart more closely, and I will never let a day go by without letting those around me know how much I love them. Te Amo Daddy.