Thursday, September 23, 2010

P.S. I'm in a sad mood.

Go figure right? It seems as though a bad day hits me at least once a week, and then I word vomit all over the place. My bad day hit me last night around 9:30. I'm not sure why or what prompted it, but I fell apart. It normally doesn't take me long to get it together and back on track, but this time is different. My heart literally feels broken. My Dad was everything to me, and I don't think he ever realized that. My sister and I would always go to my Mom for everything, including medical questions, and I think it used to frustrate him. The truth being, I have never respected a man so much as I respected my Dad. As my sister so eloquently put it, he was "beautifully simple". From the clothes he wore, to the car he drove, to the activities he liked to do, everything was just so simple and perfect. He put everything into perspective. Sometimes it feels like my life is falling apart, and all I want to do is call him and talk to him. I miss his smell, his hugs, the way he used to clear his throat before saying something serious. I miss him calling me Primera. As weird as this sounds, I miss our visits at MD Anderson. Going to visit him on a daily basis after work became routine for me, and I do miss it. Dad was so strong. It was hard seeing him in the hospital, but I prefer that to this. I still got to kiss him goodnight when I left. We had some really tough conversations our last couple of visits. I'd give anything to have those back. My Dad loved life more than anyone I know. I wish I had a good attitude right now for him, but I don't. My Dad was very handsome, and he didn't even know it. He would get dressed so nicely just to go to his chemo appointments. He would wear nice pants, nice shirts, and a suit jacket. He was just so perfect. It was sometimes hard for me to tell him how I felt about him, but only because I respected him so much. "I love you" never seemed like strong enough words for how I felt about him. Dad would say,  "te amo", and I miss that. All of this seems so unfair. I don't understand why this had to happen to my family, after everything we had already been through. I am just very broken. I did not want my Dad taken away from me, and I don't know how to deal with it right now. People tell me, "He is in a better place now", but really, we were Dad's Heaven. There is no place he would rather be than at home with his girls. I miss him so much. It kills me that he won't get to see my children. I was robbed of a father, and they will be robbed of a grandfather. I feel so angry, but have no one to be angry with. This feeling is so hard to explain, but it is so frustrating to deal with. Before he died, I told him that I would only let this hurt me to a point, but no more. How do I know when I have reached that point? Within a matter of hours, I was kissing him hello to kissing his hand goodbye. I don't understand how he can be gone. I hate that my first love, hero, friend, father, daddy, my world, was taken from me. I am so angry, yet so terribly sad. I will never forget walking down the aisle with him, and dancing with him at my wedding. These are moments that I hope will stay with me for the rest of my life. He was so proud to be our Dad, and I was equally proud to be his daughter.