P.S. I'm in a sad mood.

Go figure right? It seems as though a bad day hits me at least once a week, and then I word vomit all over the place. My bad day hit me last night around 9:30. I'm not sure why or what prompted it, but I fell apart. It normally doesn't take me long to get it together and back on track, but this time is different. My heart literally feels broken. My Dad was everything to me, and I don't think he ever realized that. My sister and I would always go to my Mom for everything, including medical questions, and I think it used to frustrate him. The truth being, I have never respected a man so much as I respected my Dad. As my sister so eloquently put it, he was "beautifully simple". From the clothes he wore, to the car he drove, to the activities he liked to do, everything was just so simple and perfect. He put everything into perspective. Sometimes it feels like my life is falling apart, and all I want to do is call him and talk to him. I miss his smell, his hugs, the way he used to clear his throat before saying something serious. I miss him calling me Primera. As weird as this sounds, I miss our visits at MD Anderson. Going to visit him on a daily basis after work became routine for me, and I do miss it. Dad was so strong. It was hard seeing him in the hospital, but I prefer that to this. I still got to kiss him goodnight when I left. We had some really tough conversations our last couple of visits. I'd give anything to have those back. My Dad loved life more than anyone I know. I wish I had a good attitude right now for him, but I don't. My Dad was very handsome, and he didn't even know it. He would get dressed so nicely just to go to his chemo appointments. He would wear nice pants, nice shirts, and a suit jacket. He was just so perfect. It was sometimes hard for me to tell him how I felt about him, but only because I respected him so much. "I love you" never seemed like strong enough words for how I felt about him. Dad would say,  "te amo", and I miss that. All of this seems so unfair. I don't understand why this had to happen to my family, after everything we had already been through. I am just very broken. I did not want my Dad taken away from me, and I don't know how to deal with it right now. People tell me, "He is in a better place now", but really, we were Dad's Heaven. There is no place he would rather be than at home with his girls. I miss him so much. It kills me that he won't get to see my children. I was robbed of a father, and they will be robbed of a grandfather. I feel so angry, but have no one to be angry with. This feeling is so hard to explain, but it is so frustrating to deal with. Before he died, I told him that I would only let this hurt me to a point, but no more. How do I know when I have reached that point? Within a matter of hours, I was kissing him hello to kissing his hand goodbye. I don't understand how he can be gone. I hate that my first love, hero, friend, father, daddy, my world, was taken from me. I am so angry, yet so terribly sad. I will never forget walking down the aisle with him, and dancing with him at my wedding. These are moments that I hope will stay with me for the rest of my life. He was so proud to be our Dad, and I was equally proud to be his daughter.

Whats worse than a case of the Mondays??

....A case of the Mondays on a Tuesday. Blah. I'm not quite sure what is wrong with me today, but I'm just not "feeling it". Poor D (bfffff at work) has had to listen to me complain ALL DAY LONG. I thought that maybe our lunch trip to Cheddars would help, but I was wrong. I have had absolutely ZERO motivation to do much of anything today. I'm chalking it up to, "It's just one of those days." I miss my Dad a lot. Some days are harder than others, and today has been a really hard day. One thing I have been dealing with on a nightly basis, has been dreaming of my Dad. These would be nice if they were good dreams of Dad, however he is sick and in pain in pretty much every single one. As if seeing a parent in pain and dying isn't hard enough, I now have to re-live these moments every time I close my eyes at night. The dreams make me not want to sleep at all. I try thinking about happy things before bed, but it never fails, I wake up to tears and a knot in my stomach. I hear that these dreams and horrible visions will eventually stop, I'm just not sure how much more I can handle. I miss him so much. One thing I've learned about grief, is that through so much of it, you are alone. For the first couple of days, and maybe a week after after losing Dad, so many people called to offer their support. I would get asked on a daily basis how I was doing, and that someone was thinking of me. I don't think people realize how much these words actually meant. Just hearing, "I love you" from a friend warmed my heart, and made me realize that I was not alone in this. I never expected anyone to understand what I was going through, but I always appreciated the thoughts and love. I think what happens is, people forget. Only a month later, my loss is still very fresh and almost more "real" to me. I feel like I need friends and support more than ever right now. I know that life goes on for everyone else, as it is supposed to, I just sometimes feel very much alone. I find it hard at times to even get up in the morning. I get asked questions like, "What is wrong?". Do I really have to answer that? Some act, although unintentional, as if I should be "over it" already, but I can guarantee that will never happen."Why is today harder than yesterday?" Well, as time goes on, the loss and missing aspect of my Dad becomes more and more real for me. I have more time to miss him. I become envious of those who get to talk to their Dad's, and I resent those who argue with them. I cannot pick up the phone and call my Dad, and it hurts me, at this point, when people try to tell me that I can still talk to him. It is not the same. Unless you have ever been in this position, you cannot tell me that it is just as comforting. Maybe those words of advice will help me later, but not right now. I regret the tears I wasted over people, when I could have been spending time with my Dad. I hurt over those who let me down during a time when I needed them most, and then pushed me after doing so. This life altering event has forever changed me as a person. I will choose my relationships wisely. I will be patient with others. I will guard my heart more closely, and I will never let a day go by without letting those around me know how much I love them. Te Amo Daddy.

What size am I in fancy jeans?

Seriously. Why do fancy jeans make it so difficult for normal people to buy? Maybe they feel that if you aren't fancy enough to know what size you are in fancy terms, then you aren't fancy enough to wear their jeans. Which, is brilliant on their part. I normally don't buy fancy jeans, but I found a pair on sale at shopittome.com, so I figured I would try them. Now if only I could find my size! To those of you who I have texted about my fancy jeans size, thanks and gig 'em for NOT writing me back. Anyway, onto my new obsessions...

My new favorite shopping obsessions are:

shopittome.com and

ruelala.com

These two websites have added so much happiness to my day. Sad I know. Shop It To Me (annoying name, clearly), will email you sales twice a week. I have mine set for Tuesdays and Fridays. I always get excited when I see my sales email come through Friday morning! Rue La La on the other hand, has a set of designer sales every day. I have gotten some really great deals through both of these websites, and I highly recommend them!

My new chap stick addiction:

Nivea: A Kiss of Moisture

LOVE LOVE LOVVVEEE this product. I am a chap stick addict, so the word, "LOVE" means a lot when I use it. I lost mine yesterday between work and my car...so I WILL be making a stop by Walgreen's on my way home today. Seriously. Try. It.

Body wash like whoa.

Caress Evenly Gorgeous Exfoliating Body wash with Burnt Brown Sugar

As if the description isn't enough to make you want to buy it, the smell will make you want to chug it.

I love you Mr. Caress.

I hope everyone has a fabulous Friday!!!!