I am thankful for my family. I love them very much. Although I will deeply miss my Daddy this Christmas, I will thoroughly enjoy my time spent with my family. I am thankful for our love and health. Merry Christmas eve's eve!
Sincerely,
Bailey Ann
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Words
Dear Dad,
I'm better with my written words than I am spoken, and I really want to talk to you right now. I miss you so much. As I write this, words both fail me and fuel me. I never really understood a broken heart until I lost you. To say my heart hurts is an understatement. Although I always told you I loved you, it never seemed like enough. You were the most amazing man I have ever known. Your heart was the kindest heart. You never realized what you meant to so many people, myself included. I wish that I had just 5 more minutes with you. I would give anything for 5 more minutes. If I had 5 minutes with you, I would hug you so hard and thank you for being the most amazing father I could have ever wished for. I feel cheated to have lost you so early. I'm so envious of friends who still get a Dad. I'm beginning to say, "Mom's house", and this makes me feel guilty and empty. You are still so very much alive in my heart. I put your phone number into my new phone because I cannot imagine a life without you in it. I'm trying very hard, but I am struggling. Things just are not the same without you here. It was always difficult to tell you my feelings about our relationship, because I respected you so much. "Thank you" and "I love you" never seemed applicable for how I felt about you. Thank you for teaching me to never go to bed angry. It is'nt worth it. Thank you for showing me what is meant to be loved. Thank you for believing in me, and for standing by me always. Thank you for showing me how I deserve to be treated. I miss talking to you. I cannot believe you have been gone for over four months. I still feels like it happened last week. I dont know how long this feeling is supposed to last, but I am really struggling with it. You are my hero. You're my John Galt. I want you back so bad. I often wished it was me who had the cancer. I would have taken the hurt over you. I still stand by this today. I hope you know how proud of you I am. You were so strong, and so wonderful. Thank you for 26 years Dad. I miss you and I will miss you every day for the rest of my life.
Te Amo,
Primera
I'm better with my written words than I am spoken, and I really want to talk to you right now. I miss you so much. As I write this, words both fail me and fuel me. I never really understood a broken heart until I lost you. To say my heart hurts is an understatement. Although I always told you I loved you, it never seemed like enough. You were the most amazing man I have ever known. Your heart was the kindest heart. You never realized what you meant to so many people, myself included. I wish that I had just 5 more minutes with you. I would give anything for 5 more minutes. If I had 5 minutes with you, I would hug you so hard and thank you for being the most amazing father I could have ever wished for. I feel cheated to have lost you so early. I'm so envious of friends who still get a Dad. I'm beginning to say, "Mom's house", and this makes me feel guilty and empty. You are still so very much alive in my heart. I put your phone number into my new phone because I cannot imagine a life without you in it. I'm trying very hard, but I am struggling. Things just are not the same without you here. It was always difficult to tell you my feelings about our relationship, because I respected you so much. "Thank you" and "I love you" never seemed applicable for how I felt about you. Thank you for teaching me to never go to bed angry. It is'nt worth it. Thank you for showing me what is meant to be loved. Thank you for believing in me, and for standing by me always. Thank you for showing me how I deserve to be treated. I miss talking to you. I cannot believe you have been gone for over four months. I still feels like it happened last week. I dont know how long this feeling is supposed to last, but I am really struggling with it. You are my hero. You're my John Galt. I want you back so bad. I often wished it was me who had the cancer. I would have taken the hurt over you. I still stand by this today. I hope you know how proud of you I am. You were so strong, and so wonderful. Thank you for 26 years Dad. I miss you and I will miss you every day for the rest of my life.
Te Amo,
Primera
Monday, December 13, 2010
Things I've learned.....
So I learned a couple things this weekend....
Ok, where to start...where to start......
The Dating Game is Stupid
There are things that I miss, and things that I do not miss about "courting" aka "dating". The butterflies in the stomach, the crushes, the first kisses....these are the things that are fun. However, the nerves, the ongoing text debate, the doubts....these are the things that suck. These are the things that I do not miss. Why girls take part in this game is beyond me. I acquired the "I don't give a crap, I'm going to say whatever I want to say" attitude in college. I refused to play the dating game. If I wanted to text someone, I texted them. I'm sure I broke the dating code, but I really didn't care. If someone was going to like me, they had to like all of me...which included the crazy girl text messaging me as well. I have friends, best friends at that, who put themselves through hell waiting for a guy to text/call them back. As girls, me included, we analyze ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING when it comes to dating. What did that kiss really mean? What did I do for him not to like me anymore? Should I text him even though I saw him this morning? We had an amazing date but he hasn't called me in an hour, what do I do?
Seriously girls, this has to stop!!!! We are all beautiful, smart, funny women. If they see that, why can't we? Lets all just take a chill pill and a shot of vodka. Text when you want (as long as its not 20 times in a row....oops), and let him know how you really feel. Honestly, what do you have to lose? The dating game is stupid, play scrabble instead.
Girls Are Mean When They Are Jealous
Of all the mean boys in this world, why are girls hardest on each other? Hey I know why!!! It is because of JEALOUSY. Girls become mean evilbitches girls when they are jealous of their friends. Some girls even go as far as to putting their friends down in order to make themselves feel better?!?! I'm sorry, but this is just not my idea of a friend. Stop calling each other fat. As girls, we all understand the healing capacity that brownies and cupcakes have....why would we make another girl feel bad for eating these things? We're all in this fight with metabolism together, so be a friend, not a bitch. Stop putting each other down, we have enough to deal with....like the dating game! (please refer above) . Eat a cupcake and move on.
Holidays Are Not Always Cheery
For those that have lost someone you love, you understand. For those that have not, you will understand soon enough. As Christmas nears the corner, I am reminded of happier times in my past. Coming home from college for the holidays was always my favorite. The house always smelled and felt like Christmas. I knew I had a month of nothing but food and family to occupy my time. To this day, the smell of coffee brewing in mom and dad's kitchen reminds me of when my Grandma and Grandaddy would come visit us for the holidays. These are the times that I miss and these are the times that make my heart hurt when I think about them. After losing someone, the holidays serve as a constant reminder that you're sad. All the lights and songs and decorations now remind you of times you no longer have, rather than good feelings. I think people get so depressed during the holidays, because others expect you to be happy and sometimes that just isn't possible. If I hear, "I'll be home for Christmas" one more time, I'm pretty sure I will lose it. The thing is, the days get easier with time. Not every day is the same. New routines and habits are formed. However, as they happen only once a year, most holidays remain the same. The same traditions are carried on, the same food is eaten, the same conversations are talked about, the same games are played. The difference being, there is one less person sharing these things with you. One more empty chair around the table. As time goes on, the empty chair will be filled, but the loss will remain the same. This feeling in a nutshell.....Christmas reminds me that the lives of others have gone on, as they should, yet my heart still remains broken and sad. Mom and I decorated our house this weekend even though neither one of us have been in a Christmas mood this year. I know Daddy would be proud of us. I also know that he would appreciate the humor in this tree we put up...which we felt perfectly illustrated our feelings this year. New is difficult..yet conquerable. We love and miss Dad tremendously, and we will be ok.
My Mom is My Best Friend
One could argue that no good things come out of cancer, but I disagree. Cancer brought my family closer than ever. Cancer forced us to live each day like it was our last. Cancer taught us to celebrate the small stones, and overcome the boulders. Cancer gave us time. Cancer taught us what pain is, and what pain is not. Cancer brought us love. Cancer made my Dad more of a hero than he already was. Cancer gave us the ability to say goodbye. Cancer gave us the strength we needed to let go.
Cancer also made me realize what an amazing woman my Mother is. I have never in my life met a stronger person than her. I look up to her in so many ways, but most of all I admire her for the way she has handled everything with Dad. Like him, she has become my hero. Mom handled Dad's diagnosis, treatment, milestones, set backs, and loss, with such grace and class. She was the messenger of good and bad news to my sister and I. She was both our lifeline, and support group. I cannot imagine how hard it was for her to tell us that my Dad had months, weeks, days, if not hours left. I cannot imagine how it felt to hear some of the questions that my sister and I relied on her to answer. I cannot imagine how it felt to relay some of the messages to Dad that we asked her to relay. I haven't talked much about the day Dad died, as it is still too emotional for me. The last minutes were very personal, and I doubt I will ever share those. As hard as it was to witness, I feel so blessed to have been able to be there with Dad. He had his girls around him. I would not have had the opportunity to be there holding his hand that day, had Mom not made the decision to let me know what was going on at home. As hard as it was for her to accept, she gave me the greatest gift I will ever receive. Thank you Mom. Thank you for the example you have shown Leslie and I during this time. Thank you for being strong for us. Thank you for never giving up. Thank you for giving me the comfort that the memory and life of Dad will always be present in our home. I only hope I have handled losing Dad with half as much grace and class as you have. I know that Dad is extremely proud.
And to Dad.....I miss you so much. I am at a loss for words when it comes to you. Te amo.
- Girls are mean when they are jealous
- The dating game is stupid
- Mom is my best friend
- Holidays are not always cheery
Ok, where to start...where to start......
The Dating Game is Stupid
There are things that I miss, and things that I do not miss about "courting" aka "dating". The butterflies in the stomach, the crushes, the first kisses....these are the things that are fun. However, the nerves, the ongoing text debate, the doubts....these are the things that suck. These are the things that I do not miss. Why girls take part in this game is beyond me. I acquired the "I don't give a crap, I'm going to say whatever I want to say" attitude in college. I refused to play the dating game. If I wanted to text someone, I texted them. I'm sure I broke the dating code, but I really didn't care. If someone was going to like me, they had to like all of me...which included the crazy girl text messaging me as well. I have friends, best friends at that, who put themselves through hell waiting for a guy to text/call them back. As girls, me included, we analyze ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING when it comes to dating. What did that kiss really mean? What did I do for him not to like me anymore? Should I text him even though I saw him this morning? We had an amazing date but he hasn't called me in an hour, what do I do?
Seriously girls, this has to stop!!!! We are all beautiful, smart, funny women. If they see that, why can't we? Lets all just take a chill pill and a shot of vodka. Text when you want (as long as its not 20 times in a row....oops), and let him know how you really feel. Honestly, what do you have to lose? The dating game is stupid, play scrabble instead.
Girls Are Mean When They Are Jealous
Of all the mean boys in this world, why are girls hardest on each other? Hey I know why!!! It is because of JEALOUSY. Girls become mean evil
Holidays Are Not Always Cheery
For those that have lost someone you love, you understand. For those that have not, you will understand soon enough. As Christmas nears the corner, I am reminded of happier times in my past. Coming home from college for the holidays was always my favorite. The house always smelled and felt like Christmas. I knew I had a month of nothing but food and family to occupy my time. To this day, the smell of coffee brewing in mom and dad's kitchen reminds me of when my Grandma and Grandaddy would come visit us for the holidays. These are the times that I miss and these are the times that make my heart hurt when I think about them. After losing someone, the holidays serve as a constant reminder that you're sad. All the lights and songs and decorations now remind you of times you no longer have, rather than good feelings. I think people get so depressed during the holidays, because others expect you to be happy and sometimes that just isn't possible. If I hear, "I'll be home for Christmas" one more time, I'm pretty sure I will lose it. The thing is, the days get easier with time. Not every day is the same. New routines and habits are formed. However, as they happen only once a year, most holidays remain the same. The same traditions are carried on, the same food is eaten, the same conversations are talked about, the same games are played. The difference being, there is one less person sharing these things with you. One more empty chair around the table. As time goes on, the empty chair will be filled, but the loss will remain the same. This feeling in a nutshell.....Christmas reminds me that the lives of others have gone on, as they should, yet my heart still remains broken and sad. Mom and I decorated our house this weekend even though neither one of us have been in a Christmas mood this year. I know Daddy would be proud of us. I also know that he would appreciate the humor in this tree we put up...which we felt perfectly illustrated our feelings this year. New is difficult..yet conquerable. We love and miss Dad tremendously, and we will be ok.
My Mom is My Best Friend
One could argue that no good things come out of cancer, but I disagree. Cancer brought my family closer than ever. Cancer forced us to live each day like it was our last. Cancer taught us to celebrate the small stones, and overcome the boulders. Cancer gave us time. Cancer taught us what pain is, and what pain is not. Cancer brought us love. Cancer made my Dad more of a hero than he already was. Cancer gave us the ability to say goodbye. Cancer gave us the strength we needed to let go.
Cancer also made me realize what an amazing woman my Mother is. I have never in my life met a stronger person than her. I look up to her in so many ways, but most of all I admire her for the way she has handled everything with Dad. Like him, she has become my hero. Mom handled Dad's diagnosis, treatment, milestones, set backs, and loss, with such grace and class. She was the messenger of good and bad news to my sister and I. She was both our lifeline, and support group. I cannot imagine how hard it was for her to tell us that my Dad had months, weeks, days, if not hours left. I cannot imagine how it felt to hear some of the questions that my sister and I relied on her to answer. I cannot imagine how it felt to relay some of the messages to Dad that we asked her to relay. I haven't talked much about the day Dad died, as it is still too emotional for me. The last minutes were very personal, and I doubt I will ever share those. As hard as it was to witness, I feel so blessed to have been able to be there with Dad. He had his girls around him. I would not have had the opportunity to be there holding his hand that day, had Mom not made the decision to let me know what was going on at home. As hard as it was for her to accept, she gave me the greatest gift I will ever receive. Thank you Mom. Thank you for the example you have shown Leslie and I during this time. Thank you for being strong for us. Thank you for never giving up. Thank you for giving me the comfort that the memory and life of Dad will always be present in our home. I only hope I have handled losing Dad with half as much grace and class as you have. I know that Dad is extremely proud.
And to Dad.....I miss you so much. I am at a loss for words when it comes to you. Te amo.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Hellllooo DECEMBER!
I cannot believe it is already December. I feel like this year has completely flown by...which is both good and bad. I don't have a lot to say other than the fact that I am an extremely thankful and blessed girl. Someone who is very dear and loved by me shared this quote with me, and I will remember it always. Thank You.
“You have to take the good with the bad, smile with the sad, love what you got, remember what you had, always forgive but never forget, learn from your mistakes but never regret. People change, things go wrong, but just remember life goes on."
I plan on writing more often, so check back soon. I'm back and better than ever!
XOXOXO
Bailey Ann
“You have to take the good with the bad, smile with the sad, love what you got, remember what you had, always forgive but never forget, learn from your mistakes but never regret. People change, things go wrong, but just remember life goes on."
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| HEART |
I plan on writing more often, so check back soon. I'm back and better than ever!
XOXOXO
Bailey Ann
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