Dear Diary...It's me Bailey

I have been on a blogcation (not as lame as a beercation..ahem...sister...) but I'm back! I need to rant for a second so hang on...

Dear Man in the white truck who tried to run my car over this morning at I-10 & Fry Road,
    Seriously. What was that. Was it honestly so necessary to speed up and come inches away from my mirror just to make it to work .05 seconds earlier?? Were you that pumped to get to your mundane job as a salesman (I'm assuming based on your lack of social tact.....no offense to my sales friends of course :) :) :) ). It was not until you saw that I was a girl in a skirt (yes my car was shorter than yours..thank you for being a creeper) that you slowed down enough to let me in front of you (thats what she said). Despite my overly friendly hand gesture...seriously you deserved a lot worse buddy....I really hope you had a FANTASTIC day. Thank you for making my morning as stress free as possible.


Thanks and gig 'em (translation: Thanks and f you),
Bailey Ann

Ok, now that out of the way...it seems like so much has happened over the past couple of weeks. Here is a mini recap to fill you in.

Solved a breaker box issue

Said bye to friends at work

Cried over an iphone 4 commercial (seriously...the one with the new baby is so sweet...I'm still waiting on the iphone breakup commercial..that would be classic)

Hung out with my sweet girlfriends from college
Went to the ER for blue hands...I have raynauds disease in my left hand
Met some really cool people in college station

Woke up and made nachos at 11pm on a week night...and ate them in bed
Named my blue left hand my pimp hand

Went to the pumpkin patch with my favorite baby and friend
Took a painting class with my mom and sister
Participated in Race for the Cure with the "Breast Buddies"
Took my first bubble bath since I was a baby...I will never do this again
Ate queso until I literally made myself sick
Had one of the best conversations I have had in a really long time...thank you LC
Received a real live ticket to Heaven! (It literally says.."Admit One" and "Reserved Seating")
Hung out with Abbo, one of my most favorite boys in the whole wide world

Missed my Dad more than ever

That about wraps up my morning rant and pretty much covers the past two weeks. I will leave you with a couple pictures of the ones I love. Have a good Tuesday, thanks for listening!

Sincerely,

Bailey Ann


 

My sweet Dad & Sister..Memorial Park last year

Mom & Dad on Christmas Eve...we had a Mexican costume party since we're Mexican. Dad wore a Border Patrol shirt since he's gringo.



Breast Buddies - Race for the Cure 2010

My sweet Mom....aka Marmie

 







P.S. I'm in a sad mood.

Go figure right? It seems as though a bad day hits me at least once a week, and then I word vomit all over the place. My bad day hit me last night around 9:30. I'm not sure why or what prompted it, but I fell apart. It normally doesn't take me long to get it together and back on track, but this time is different. My heart literally feels broken. My Dad was everything to me, and I don't think he ever realized that. My sister and I would always go to my Mom for everything, including medical questions, and I think it used to frustrate him. The truth being, I have never respected a man so much as I respected my Dad. As my sister so eloquently put it, he was "beautifully simple". From the clothes he wore, to the car he drove, to the activities he liked to do, everything was just so simple and perfect. He put everything into perspective. Sometimes it feels like my life is falling apart, and all I want to do is call him and talk to him. I miss his smell, his hugs, the way he used to clear his throat before saying something serious. I miss him calling me Primera. As weird as this sounds, I miss our visits at MD Anderson. Going to visit him on a daily basis after work became routine for me, and I do miss it. Dad was so strong. It was hard seeing him in the hospital, but I prefer that to this. I still got to kiss him goodnight when I left. We had some really tough conversations our last couple of visits. I'd give anything to have those back. My Dad loved life more than anyone I know. I wish I had a good attitude right now for him, but I don't. My Dad was very handsome, and he didn't even know it. He would get dressed so nicely just to go to his chemo appointments. He would wear nice pants, nice shirts, and a suit jacket. He was just so perfect. It was sometimes hard for me to tell him how I felt about him, but only because I respected him so much. "I love you" never seemed like strong enough words for how I felt about him. Dad would say,  "te amo", and I miss that. All of this seems so unfair. I don't understand why this had to happen to my family, after everything we had already been through. I am just very broken. I did not want my Dad taken away from me, and I don't know how to deal with it right now. People tell me, "He is in a better place now", but really, we were Dad's Heaven. There is no place he would rather be than at home with his girls. I miss him so much. It kills me that he won't get to see my children. I was robbed of a father, and they will be robbed of a grandfather. I feel so angry, but have no one to be angry with. This feeling is so hard to explain, but it is so frustrating to deal with. Before he died, I told him that I would only let this hurt me to a point, but no more. How do I know when I have reached that point? Within a matter of hours, I was kissing him hello to kissing his hand goodbye. I don't understand how he can be gone. I hate that my first love, hero, friend, father, daddy, my world, was taken from me. I am so angry, yet so terribly sad. I will never forget walking down the aisle with him, and dancing with him at my wedding. These are moments that I hope will stay with me for the rest of my life. He was so proud to be our Dad, and I was equally proud to be his daughter.

Whats worse than a case of the Mondays??

....A case of the Mondays on a Tuesday. Blah. I'm not quite sure what is wrong with me today, but I'm just not "feeling it". Poor D (bfffff at work) has had to listen to me complain ALL DAY LONG. I thought that maybe our lunch trip to Cheddars would help, but I was wrong. I have had absolutely ZERO motivation to do much of anything today. I'm chalking it up to, "It's just one of those days." I miss my Dad a lot. Some days are harder than others, and today has been a really hard day. One thing I have been dealing with on a nightly basis, has been dreaming of my Dad. These would be nice if they were good dreams of Dad, however he is sick and in pain in pretty much every single one. As if seeing a parent in pain and dying isn't hard enough, I now have to re-live these moments every time I close my eyes at night. The dreams make me not want to sleep at all. I try thinking about happy things before bed, but it never fails, I wake up to tears and a knot in my stomach. I hear that these dreams and horrible visions will eventually stop, I'm just not sure how much more I can handle. I miss him so much. One thing I've learned about grief, is that through so much of it, you are alone. For the first couple of days, and maybe a week after after losing Dad, so many people called to offer their support. I would get asked on a daily basis how I was doing, and that someone was thinking of me. I don't think people realize how much these words actually meant. Just hearing, "I love you" from a friend warmed my heart, and made me realize that I was not alone in this. I never expected anyone to understand what I was going through, but I always appreciated the thoughts and love. I think what happens is, people forget. Only a month later, my loss is still very fresh and almost more "real" to me. I feel like I need friends and support more than ever right now. I know that life goes on for everyone else, as it is supposed to, I just sometimes feel very much alone. I find it hard at times to even get up in the morning. I get asked questions like, "What is wrong?". Do I really have to answer that? Some act, although unintentional, as if I should be "over it" already, but I can guarantee that will never happen."Why is today harder than yesterday?" Well, as time goes on, the loss and missing aspect of my Dad becomes more and more real for me. I have more time to miss him. I become envious of those who get to talk to their Dad's, and I resent those who argue with them. I cannot pick up the phone and call my Dad, and it hurts me, at this point, when people try to tell me that I can still talk to him. It is not the same. Unless you have ever been in this position, you cannot tell me that it is just as comforting. Maybe those words of advice will help me later, but not right now. I regret the tears I wasted over people, when I could have been spending time with my Dad. I hurt over those who let me down during a time when I needed them most, and then pushed me after doing so. This life altering event has forever changed me as a person. I will choose my relationships wisely. I will be patient with others. I will guard my heart more closely, and I will never let a day go by without letting those around me know how much I love them. Te Amo Daddy.

What size am I in fancy jeans?

Seriously. Why do fancy jeans make it so difficult for normal people to buy? Maybe they feel that if you aren't fancy enough to know what size you are in fancy terms, then you aren't fancy enough to wear their jeans. Which, is brilliant on their part. I normally don't buy fancy jeans, but I found a pair on sale at shopittome.com, so I figured I would try them. Now if only I could find my size! To those of you who I have texted about my fancy jeans size, thanks and gig 'em for NOT writing me back. Anyway, onto my new obsessions...

My new favorite shopping obsessions are:

shopittome.com and

ruelala.com

These two websites have added so much happiness to my day. Sad I know. Shop It To Me (annoying name, clearly), will email you sales twice a week. I have mine set for Tuesdays and Fridays. I always get excited when I see my sales email come through Friday morning! Rue La La on the other hand, has a set of designer sales every day. I have gotten some really great deals through both of these websites, and I highly recommend them!

My new chap stick addiction:

Nivea: A Kiss of Moisture

LOVE LOVE LOVVVEEE this product. I am a chap stick addict, so the word, "LOVE" means a lot when I use it. I lost mine yesterday between work and my car...so I WILL be making a stop by Walgreen's on my way home today. Seriously. Try. It.

Body wash like whoa.

Caress Evenly Gorgeous Exfoliating Body wash with Burnt Brown Sugar

As if the description isn't enough to make you want to buy it, the smell will make you want to chug it.

I love you Mr. Caress.

I hope everyone has a fabulous Friday!!!!

Happy Friday!!

I hope everyone has a great weekend!!! I'm going to entertain you with an, "About Me" facebook section that I find hilarious. This was written by one of my friends who is hands down, one of the funniest people I know. Enjoy!

Quid quid latine dictum sit, altum ... I think its ironic that girls look so hot in boy shorts... people who pass through a swinging door that is closing and dont help it stay open should be shot... anyone who answers a question with "well, honestly..." makes me doubt how honest they are... wear a belt if you are going to tuck your shirt in... I pay more attention to a professor's habits than I do the lesson... unless its on a girls head, hair grosses me out... supposevly or supposibly- i mean, seriously?!?!?! nothing good has ever come out of dallas... I believe anything is made better by doin it in the rain... I secretly want to knock girls over who drag their feet wearing flip-flops... it pisses me off when people dont erase the chalkboard or whiteboard off completely... usually I only remember the night before after talking about it the morning after getting drunk... whoever the guy was that invented free bread at restaraunts should be given an award... saying no is practically impossible for me... I'd consider marrying a really tall woman just so my kids could play something other than golf... I always miss my family but I usually get sick of them within the first 30 minutes of being around them... if I could be anyone for a day, I would seriously consider justin timberlake... silence is torture... I love random facts like "stewardesses" is the longest word you type using just your left hand... I've always wondered why girls swing their arms when they walk as if it was some kind of contest to see whose could be the most out of control... whats the deal with girls all wearing the exact same kind of running shorts now?... ive written so many essays that I now feel like I use the bigger words that are found in the thesaurus when Im talking rather than the simpler ones- and its uncomfortable... if people's windshield wipers are going too fast for the amount of rain on their window, I have to tell them to turn them down... if you haven't ridden in the back of a cop car as a result of doing something stupid, you need to live a more exciting life... to/too, who/whom, your/you're- learn to use them properly, its not brain science or rocket surgery... if I dont know you and you're a black guy, I'm going to say "what's up bro"... if you're white, its "whats up man"... I don't know why, but thats just the way it is... i feel like people like me better when I'm drunk, which is depressing... I absolutely can not WAIT for the moment I am so pissed about something that I throw all the papers and supplies off my desk... any driving offense is immediately forgiven if you throw up a kind wave... with all five fingers of course... Dant Vulnera Vitam... Im not sure if it's been said before, but I've never heard anyone else say "lets make like Bob Marley and blow this joint"- so in my mind I am the inventor... the old school eye viewer thing on digital cameras and people who use them are completely useless.

A little bit about me for your Thursday!

I AM...a girly girl

I HAVE...a great life

I WISH...my Dad was still here

I WANT...more time

I FEAR...abandonment

I HEAR...everything

I WONDER...what happens after you die

I REGRET...losing touch

I LOVE....my family

I ALWAYS...feel complicated

I USUALLY...am happy
I AM NOT...a typical girl

I SING...everything

I RARELY....argue with my sister

I NEVER...forget

I CRY...about everything

I AM NOT ALWAYS...patient

I NEED...to spend more time with friends

At least it's almost Friday!

Sad.

I try not to be a Debbie Downer, and I'm going to try my hardest not to be, but I need my moment. I'm writing tonight because I'm sad. Sometimes writing for me is easier than saying things out loud. Maybe that is something I need to deal with personally. Nonetheless, here I am. I miss my Dad so so much. I feel like there is a huge hole in my heart, and there is nothing that I can do to fix it. It hurts even more thinking about the fact that this hole in my heart, will never be repaired. Yes, with time, things will get better. However, I will never have my Dad back, and I will never get that piece of my heart fixed. I apologize to those friends who I am "neglecting" right now. I appreciate the phone calls, the voice mails, the text messages, the emails, everything. I'm just not ready to talk on the phone right now. It is hard for me to be around big groups of people, and its hard for me to fake normal. It is very common for me right now to have a conversation with someone, and then fall apart immediately after. I feel as though sometimes I struggle to even get words out of my mouth. It feels as though if I open my mouth, sobs will come pouring out, and I wont be able to stop. There are only few people that I can see right now. It is nothing personal, and I love all of my friends, I am just finding some things difficult to overcome. Please don't lose patience in me. I am getting there one day at a time. Its a daily struggle for me to focus on small tasks at hand. There are times when I can work for 30 minutes straight without thinking about my Dad, and then there are times where I stare at the computer for 30 minutes in my own little world. Every day feels dazed. I just miss him a lot.