New Beginnings

I get frustrated with myself when I don't make time to write. It's not that I lack the desire to write my thoughts down...it's that my thoughts have been all over the place lately. I don't even know where to begin, so I will begin here...

"God, grant me the serenity to accept that which I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference".

Whether or not you consider yourself to be a religious person, I feel as though this prayer relates to so many people in all facets of their lives. I often think of these words when I find myself in a difficult, or painful situation. I read the words that are contained within this prayer, and interpret them to fit my own life struggles.

"Grant me the serenity to accept that which I cannot change". Life sometimes sucks. I lost my Dad to cancer in my twenties. My children will never know my father, and the love that he already had for them. I will never be able to hug my Dad again, or kiss him goodnight. My heart aches every time I pick of the phone to call him. This feeling sucks. The loss of my Dad, is something that I have no control over. I lack all power in this situation. The only power that I do have, is the way in which I deal with my loss on a daily basis. We cannot halt death, we cannot speed up time, and we cannot erase the past. We therefore need the serenity and the strength, to accept these things in life which we have no control.

"Grant me the courage to change the things I can". In life we have choices. We ultimately carry our own key to happiness. We have the ability to control the way we handle ourselves in situations, and we also contain the ability to control the way in which we allow others to handle us. I was once reminded of the quote by Eleanor Roosevelt, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent". It was not until recently that I experienced the true meaning of these words. We hold the power to our hearts, and we hold the power of our minds. We have the ability to choose who we let in our lives, and who we let go. We choose who we give our heart to. We have the power to make ourselves happy. If you're unhappy with your job, leave. If you are in a relationship in which you feel worthless, get out. If you are in a friendship that is filled with deceit and hurt, don't ever look back. These are things in which we have control of. In my personal life, I recently made a career move. I was anxious in the beginning considering my own "comfort zone", as well as the fact that this was the first major decision I ever made without my Dad's help. After walking out on my last day of this company, I have not once regretted that decision. I am amazed at the positive implications that a change in atmosphere, and overall morale, has had on my happiness. Life is too short to be unhappy. Take hold of all areas of life that you possess the ability to control.

"Grant me the wisdom to know the difference between that which I have control, and that which I do not". People get sick, and people die. Every person will lose someone that they love at some point in their life. Others will talk bad about you. More than likely, we will all get our hearts broken at least once before realizing that life does go on. Friends will betray you. Ugly words will be spoken about you, and perhaps by you. Most often than not, we will bury our parents. We will make decisions which are hard to make, but which were actually right for us in the end. Point being....this is life. The good, the bad, and the ugly. This prayer provides me with guidance, on how to face my own life with strength and with class. I try my best to take control of areas in my life which I can control, and accept the other areas to the best of my ability.

With that being said.....cheers to new beginnings....cheers to surrounding yourself with those who care about your well being, those who make you happy. We've got one shot at this life...take advantage of it.











Sincerely,
Bailey Ann

Annabele Lee

 

"But our love was stronger by far than the love

Of those who were older than we

Of many far wiser than we

And neither the angels in heaven above,

Nor the demons down under the sea,

Can ever dissever my soul from the soul

Of the beautiful Annabele Lee"

Soul Sisters

The first time I heard the word, "Soul Sister" I thought of that old school song, "Lady Marmalade". And then I met Britny.....

Britny and I met through different circumstances, and she has quickly become my best friend. Britny lost her Mom to metastatic breast cancer exactly five months to the day that I lost my Dad to metastatic esophageal cancer. To say this girl "gets me" would be an understatement. This girl is my Angel. Losing a parent is a feeling you do not understand until you go through it. I have lost grandparents, and although extremely sad, nothing compares to loss I feel from losing my Dad. Losing a grandparent in their 80s is a completely different story than losing a parent while you are in your twenties. My Dad will never see me pregnant, he will not be able to walk my sister down the aisle, he will not be there to spoil his grandchildren with my Mom, and he is not there for me to call after I've had a bad day. Losing a parent when you are in your twenties is a heart wrenching, sick, undescribable feeling. As girls, we look to our fathers for comfort, and to our mothers for guidance. Britny understands this feeling of walking through life with a huge hole in your heart. No matter what people say, this feeling does not go away. Things do not get better, they become different, and we learn how to deal with it. I am not "over" it and I will never be "over" it.

"You don't get over it, you just get through it. You don't get by it, because you can't get around it. It doesn't get better, it just gets different. Everyday..grief puts on a new face".



Britny has reminded me that we have more life left to live. My Dad raised us to think this way, but it is easy to forget when you hurt so much. I believe this girl was put in my life for the sole purpose of understanding my heart and providing such an amazing friendship. As friends, we balance each other out. Our "bad" days tend to fall on different days...and we are able to lift each other up when the feeling is hopeless. Some families you are born into, and others you choose along the way. Britny, I will always and forever consider you to be my sister....and I will always, always hate the 4th of every month just as much as you. I truly believe my dad and your mom are watching us and are so happy we have each other.

In other news, I have decided to get out of my "funk".  For those that know me well, you also know that I have been in a rut for the past couple of weeks. Maybe it is the weather, or the approaching year mark of Dad's death, or maybe it is just me....Nonetheless, I'm ready to live my life. I've realized that I am ok with being alone. I am a strong girl, and an even stronger woman. My ultimate happiness is determined by my own conscious efforts. I've realized that although you may want someone in your life, you do not need them there to stand on your own two feet. Life is too short and precious to just let it pass me by. I am tired of going through the motions, and I am ready to put one foot in front of the other. I miss my Dad, and others in my life terribly, but I know I am going to be ok.

Sincerely,
Bailey Ann

Stay Calm and Blog On....

Blogging has become something that is very therapeutic to me. I do not write just for the hell of it, mainly due to the fact that my "just for the hell of it" would be extremely boring. Writing makes me feel better....and it's a hell of a lot healthier than a bottle of wine. With that said, one of the most frustrating instances I've had in my life has been attempting to reason with an irrational being. This is, by definition, an impossible feat. When dealing with situations as such, I often find myself in a position where I instinctually want to fight back on their playing field. I think it is human nature to close your eyes and swing when you're backed into a corner. My sister, Leslie, used this fighting technique when we were younger. Not that there are many punches thrown at six and eight years old, but we did have our fair share of sibling rivalry. Leslie would close her eyes and swing her arms as fast as she could coming in my direction. I hated her when she did this. What is the point of fighting if you're too scared to even see what's in front of you? Point being, although I often feel like closing my eyes and swinging, I am not scared of what I'm facing. You cannot fight ignorance with stupidity. Going forward, I am making a conscious decision, and effort, to fight ignorance with with intelligence, class, and grace. I have literally been through hell and not quiet back this year. I have seen life, love, evil, sincerity, generosity, hate, jealousy, kindness, disease, and strength. I have seen death. I will not let ignorance break me.


Sincerely,
Bailey Ann

Granny Panties

Dear Granny Panties,
I love you dearly. Nothing makes me happier than putting on a big pair of underpants at the end of the day. Although we may deny your existence, I know that I'm not alone in my feelings for you. No girl, not matter what she may say, honestly wants to sleep in underwear that has straps and buttons and lace and strings and pockets and glitter and magical surprises. If she denies this, she's lying so that some boy will think she's awesome, take her home to meet his family, introduce her to his friends as the "cool chick that doesn't wear granny panties", and then want to marry her. Sorry boys, but underneath every girls Victoria's Secret Sexy Little Things panties that say "flirt" or "untie me", is her one true love, her granny panty. Thank you granny panty for making me feel skinny after eating an entire pizza alone. Thank you for covering my entire bottom, the way it deserves to be covered. So what if I'm a small but feel like wearing an extra large bottom today today, thank you for making that possible. I am, and will forever be, one of your biggest fans.





Sincerely,
Bailey Ann

Location:My dresser

Moments

There are significant moments, no matter big or small, that will stay with you for the rest of your life. These moments will shape the person that you become, and may change your beliefs in others. It is during these significant moments that will either break or make the bonds of friendship. My significant moment was the death of my father. For those that know me, this loss was probably one if the hardest things that I will ever go through. I will never in my life forget the friends who were there with me. The ones who sat with me on our back porch while I took shot after shot of vodka... (thanks Patrick with your airline appropriate bottles). The ones who didn't make me feel like a lush for drinking vodka at the post funeral gathering (Kari). The ones who held my hair and didn't judge me as I threw it all up (Adam Wade). The ones who brought me cupcakes for breakfast on more than one occasion (Brandi), and especially the ones who to this day, still check on me (Daniele). What's ironic is the fact that during these trivial moments of life, certain people step up as friends who didn't have to. People who haven't known you, or your family your entire life sometimes end up being the friends that you need the most. It is during these moments that will show you who you need in your life, and who you do not. I try my hardest not to be bitter towards others who may not know how to act in certain situations, but this is becoming difficult for me. It is hard for me to put on a happy face and talk about normal things with friends I haven't heard from since my Dad's funeral. Friends who didn't bother to acknowledge the fact that they were thinking about my family during the holidays. Friends who still to this day have not called, text messaged, emailed, anything just to check on me. I understand that death is difficult to talk about, but ignoring the elephant in the room, over a friend who really could have used the support, is not the right thing to do. I can only hope that I will be a better friend when someone needs me. Thank you to those who have stepped up. Thank you for your encouraging messages, words, love, and friendship. Thank you to the two Kellys and Ginny who made me feel "normal" by sharing their stories of their own personal losses. Thank you to Kim who always understands me. Thank you to Joanna who wrote my Dad the nicest message. He talked about your email for days Jo. Thank you to Daniele who has stepped up as my best friend when I needed one the most. Thank you to Abbo and Lew who wore cancer bracelets for my Daddy, and who love me even though I'm not a Marine. Thank you to everyone else who has been patient, loving, and caring towards me. Although the death if my father is something I will remember most about 2010, I will also never forget the friends who stood by me the entire time.


Sincerely,
Bailey Ann

Christmas Time

I am thankful for my family. I love them very much. Although I will deeply miss my Daddy this Christmas, I will thoroughly enjoy my time spent with my family. I am thankful for our love and health. Merry Christmas eve's eve!


Sincerely,
Bailey Ann

Words

Dear Dad,
I'm better with my written words than I am spoken, and I really want to talk to you right now. I miss you so much. As I write this, words both fail me and fuel me. I never really understood a broken heart until I lost you. To say my heart hurts is an understatement. Although I always told you I loved you, it never seemed like enough. You were the most amazing man I have ever known. Your heart was the kindest heart. You never realized what you meant to so many people, myself included. I wish that I had just 5 more minutes with you. I would give anything for 5 more minutes. If I had 5 minutes with you, I would hug you so hard and thank you for being the most amazing father I could have ever wished for. I feel cheated to have lost you so early. I'm so envious of friends who still get a Dad. I'm beginning to say, "Mom's house", and this makes me feel guilty and empty. You are still so very much alive in my heart. I put your phone number into my new phone because I cannot imagine a life without you in it. I'm trying very hard, but I am struggling. Things just are not the same without you here. It was always difficult to tell you my feelings about our relationship, because I respected you so much. "Thank you" and "I love you" never seemed applicable for how I felt about you. Thank you for teaching me to never go to bed angry. It is'nt worth it. Thank you for showing me what is meant to be loved. Thank you for believing in me, and for standing by me always. Thank you for showing me how I deserve to be treated. I miss talking to you. I cannot believe you have been gone for over four months. I still feels like it happened last week. I dont know how long this feeling is supposed to last, but I am really struggling with it. You are my hero. You're my John Galt. I want you back so bad. I often wished it was me who had the cancer. I would have taken the hurt over you. I still stand by this today. I hope you know how proud of you I am. You were so strong, and so wonderful. Thank you for 26 years Dad. I miss you and I will miss you every day for the rest of my life.

Te Amo,
Primera

Things I've learned.....

So I learned a couple things this weekend....

1. Girls are mean when they are jealous
2. The dating game is stupid
3. Mom is my best friend
4. Holidays are not always cheery

Ok, where to start...where to start......

The Dating Game is Stupid
There are things that I miss, and things that I do not miss about "courting" aka "dating". The butterflies in the stomach, the crushes, the first kisses....these are the things that are fun. However, the nerves, the ongoing text debate, the doubts....these are the things that suck. These are the things that I do not miss. Why girls take part in this game is beyond me. I acquired the "I don't give a crap, I'm going to say whatever I want to say" attitude in college. I refused to play the dating game. If I wanted to text someone, I texted them. I'm sure I broke the dating code, but I really didn't care. If someone was going to like me, they had to like all of me...which included the crazy girl text messaging me as well. I have friends, best friends at that, who put themselves through hell waiting for a guy to text/call them back. As girls, me included, we analyze ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING when it comes to dating. What did that kiss really mean? What did I do for him not to like me anymore? Should I text him even though I saw him this morning? We had an amazing date but he hasn't called me in an hour, what do I do?
Seriously girls, this has to stop!!!! We are all beautiful, smart, funny women. If they see that, why can't we? Lets all just take a chill pill and a shot of vodka. Text when you want (as long as its not 20 times in a row....oops), and let him know how you really feel. Honestly, what do you have to lose? The dating game is stupid, play scrabble instead.


Girls Are Mean When They Are Jealous
Of all the mean boys in this world, why are girls hardest on each other? Hey I know why!!! It is because of JEALOUSY. Girls become mean evil bitches girls when they are jealous of their friends. Some girls even go as far as to putting their friends down in order to make themselves feel better?!?! I'm sorry, but this is just not my idea of a friend. Stop calling each other fat. As girls, we all understand the healing capacity that brownies and cupcakes have....why would we make another girl feel bad for eating these things? We're all in this fight with metabolism together, so be a friend,  not a bitch. Stop putting each other down, we have enough to deal with....like the dating game! (please refer above) . Eat a cupcake and move on.

Holidays Are Not Always Cheery
For those that have lost someone you love, you understand. For those that have not, you will understand soon enough. As Christmas nears the corner, I am reminded of happier times in my past. Coming home from college for the holidays was always my favorite. The house always smelled and felt like Christmas. I knew I had a month of nothing but food and family to occupy my time. To this day, the smell of coffee brewing in mom and dad's kitchen reminds me of when my Grandma and Grandaddy would come visit us for the holidays. These are the times that I miss and these are the times that make my heart hurt when I think about them. After losing someone, the holidays serve as a constant reminder that you're sad. All the lights and songs and decorations now remind you of times you no longer have, rather than good feelings. I think people get so depressed during the holidays, because others expect you to be happy and sometimes that just isn't possible.  If I hear, "I'll be home for Christmas" one more time, I'm pretty sure I will lose it. The thing is, the days get easier with time. Not every day is the same. New routines and habits are formed. However, as they happen only once a year, most holidays remain the same. The same traditions are carried on, the same food is eaten, the same conversations are talked about, the same games are played. The difference being, there is one less person sharing these things with you. One more empty chair around the table. As time goes on, the empty chair will be filled, but the loss will remain the same. This feeling in a nutshell.....Christmas reminds me that the lives of others have gone on, as they should, yet my heart still remains broken and sad. Mom and I decorated our house this weekend even though neither one of us have been in a Christmas mood this year. I know Daddy would be proud of us. I also know that he would appreciate the humor in this tree we put up...which we felt perfectly illustrated our feelings this year. New is difficult..yet conquerable. We love and miss Dad tremendously, and we will be ok.

My Mom is My Best Friend
One could argue that no good things come out of cancer, but I disagree. Cancer brought my family closer than ever. Cancer forced us to live each day like it was our last. Cancer taught us to celebrate the small stones, and overcome the boulders. Cancer gave us time. Cancer taught us what pain is, and what pain is not. Cancer brought us love. Cancer made my Dad more of a hero than he already was. Cancer gave us the ability to say goodbye. Cancer gave us the strength we needed to let go.

Cancer also made me realize what an amazing woman my Mother is. I have never in my life met a stronger person than her. I look up to her in so many ways, but most of all I admire her for the way she has handled everything with Dad. Like him, she has become my hero. Mom handled Dad's diagnosis, treatment, milestones, set backs, and loss, with such grace and class. She was the messenger of good and bad news to my sister and I. She was both our lifeline, and support group. I cannot imagine how hard it was for her to tell us that my Dad had months, weeks, days, if not hours left. I cannot imagine how it felt to hear some of the questions that my sister and I relied on her to answer. I cannot imagine how it felt to relay some of the messages to Dad that we asked her to relay. I haven't talked much about the day Dad died, as it is still too emotional for me. The last minutes were very personal, and I doubt I will ever share those. As hard as it was to witness, I feel so blessed to have been able to be there with Dad. He had his girls around him. I would not have had the opportunity to be there holding his hand that day, had Mom not made the decision to let me know what was going on at home. As hard as it was for her to accept, she gave me the greatest gift I will ever receive. Thank you Mom. Thank you for the example you have shown Leslie and I during this time. Thank you for being strong for us. Thank you for never giving up. Thank you for giving me the comfort that the memory and life of Dad will always be present in our home. I only hope I have handled losing Dad with half as much grace and class as you have. I know that Dad is extremely proud.


And to Dad.....I miss you so much. I am at a loss for words when it comes to you. Te amo.

Hellllooo DECEMBER!

I cannot believe it is already December. I feel like this year has completely flown by...which is both good and bad. I don't have a lot to say other than the fact that I am an extremely thankful and blessed girl. Someone who is very dear and loved by me shared this quote with me, and I will remember it always. Thank You.

“You have to take the good with the bad, smile with the sad, love what you got, remember what you had, always forgive but never forget, learn from your mistakes but never regret. People change, things go wrong, but just remember life goes on."

HEART

I plan on writing more often, so check back soon. I'm back and better than ever!

XOXOXO
Bailey Ann

Dear Diary...It's me Bailey

I have been on a blogcation (not as lame as a beercation..ahem...sister...) but I'm back! I need to rant for a second so hang on...

Dear Man in the white truck who tried to run my car over this morning at I-10 & Fry Road,
    Seriously. What was that. Was it honestly so necessary to speed up and come inches away from my mirror just to make it to work .05 seconds earlier?? Were you that pumped to get to your mundane job as a salesman (I'm assuming based on your lack of social tact.....no offense to my sales friends of course :) :) :) ). It was not until you saw that I was a girl in a skirt (yes my car was shorter than yours..thank you for being a creeper) that you slowed down enough to let me in front of you (thats what she said). Despite my overly friendly hand gesture...seriously you deserved a lot worse buddy....I really hope you had a FANTASTIC day. Thank you for making my morning as stress free as possible.


Thanks and gig 'em (translation: Thanks and f you),
Bailey Ann

Ok, now that out of the way...it seems like so much has happened over the past couple of weeks. Here is a mini recap to fill you in.

Solved a breaker box issue

Said bye to friends at work

Cried over an iphone 4 commercial (seriously...the one with the new baby is so sweet...I'm still waiting on the iphone breakup commercial..that would be classic)

Hung out with my sweet girlfriends from college
Went to the ER for blue hands...I have raynauds disease in my left hand
Met some really cool people in college station

Woke up and made nachos at 11pm on a week night...and ate them in bed
Named my blue left hand my pimp hand

Went to the pumpkin patch with my favorite baby and friend
Took a painting class with my mom and sister
Participated in Race for the Cure with the "Breast Buddies"
Took my first bubble bath since I was a baby...I will never do this again
Ate queso until I literally made myself sick
Had one of the best conversations I have had in a really long time...thank you LC
Received a real live ticket to Heaven! (It literally says.."Admit One" and "Reserved Seating")
Hung out with Abbo, one of my most favorite boys in the whole wide world

Missed my Dad more than ever

That about wraps up my morning rant and pretty much covers the past two weeks. I will leave you with a couple pictures of the ones I love. Have a good Tuesday, thanks for listening!

Sincerely,

Bailey Ann


 

My sweet Dad & Sister..Memorial Park last year

Mom & Dad on Christmas Eve...we had a Mexican costume party since we're Mexican. Dad wore a Border Patrol shirt since he's gringo.



Breast Buddies - Race for the Cure 2010

My sweet Mom....aka Marmie

 







P.S. I'm in a sad mood.

Go figure right? It seems as though a bad day hits me at least once a week, and then I word vomit all over the place. My bad day hit me last night around 9:30. I'm not sure why or what prompted it, but I fell apart. It normally doesn't take me long to get it together and back on track, but this time is different. My heart literally feels broken. My Dad was everything to me, and I don't think he ever realized that. My sister and I would always go to my Mom for everything, including medical questions, and I think it used to frustrate him. The truth being, I have never respected a man so much as I respected my Dad. As my sister so eloquently put it, he was "beautifully simple". From the clothes he wore, to the car he drove, to the activities he liked to do, everything was just so simple and perfect. He put everything into perspective. Sometimes it feels like my life is falling apart, and all I want to do is call him and talk to him. I miss his smell, his hugs, the way he used to clear his throat before saying something serious. I miss him calling me Primera. As weird as this sounds, I miss our visits at MD Anderson. Going to visit him on a daily basis after work became routine for me, and I do miss it. Dad was so strong. It was hard seeing him in the hospital, but I prefer that to this. I still got to kiss him goodnight when I left. We had some really tough conversations our last couple of visits. I'd give anything to have those back. My Dad loved life more than anyone I know. I wish I had a good attitude right now for him, but I don't. My Dad was very handsome, and he didn't even know it. He would get dressed so nicely just to go to his chemo appointments. He would wear nice pants, nice shirts, and a suit jacket. He was just so perfect. It was sometimes hard for me to tell him how I felt about him, but only because I respected him so much. "I love you" never seemed like strong enough words for how I felt about him. Dad would say,  "te amo", and I miss that. All of this seems so unfair. I don't understand why this had to happen to my family, after everything we had already been through. I am just very broken. I did not want my Dad taken away from me, and I don't know how to deal with it right now. People tell me, "He is in a better place now", but really, we were Dad's Heaven. There is no place he would rather be than at home with his girls. I miss him so much. It kills me that he won't get to see my children. I was robbed of a father, and they will be robbed of a grandfather. I feel so angry, but have no one to be angry with. This feeling is so hard to explain, but it is so frustrating to deal with. Before he died, I told him that I would only let this hurt me to a point, but no more. How do I know when I have reached that point? Within a matter of hours, I was kissing him hello to kissing his hand goodbye. I don't understand how he can be gone. I hate that my first love, hero, friend, father, daddy, my world, was taken from me. I am so angry, yet so terribly sad. I will never forget walking down the aisle with him, and dancing with him at my wedding. These are moments that I hope will stay with me for the rest of my life. He was so proud to be our Dad, and I was equally proud to be his daughter.

Whats worse than a case of the Mondays??

....A case of the Mondays on a Tuesday. Blah. I'm not quite sure what is wrong with me today, but I'm just not "feeling it". Poor D (bfffff at work) has had to listen to me complain ALL DAY LONG. I thought that maybe our lunch trip to Cheddars would help, but I was wrong. I have had absolutely ZERO motivation to do much of anything today. I'm chalking it up to, "It's just one of those days." I miss my Dad a lot. Some days are harder than others, and today has been a really hard day. One thing I have been dealing with on a nightly basis, has been dreaming of my Dad. These would be nice if they were good dreams of Dad, however he is sick and in pain in pretty much every single one. As if seeing a parent in pain and dying isn't hard enough, I now have to re-live these moments every time I close my eyes at night. The dreams make me not want to sleep at all. I try thinking about happy things before bed, but it never fails, I wake up to tears and a knot in my stomach. I hear that these dreams and horrible visions will eventually stop, I'm just not sure how much more I can handle. I miss him so much. One thing I've learned about grief, is that through so much of it, you are alone. For the first couple of days, and maybe a week after after losing Dad, so many people called to offer their support. I would get asked on a daily basis how I was doing, and that someone was thinking of me. I don't think people realize how much these words actually meant. Just hearing, "I love you" from a friend warmed my heart, and made me realize that I was not alone in this. I never expected anyone to understand what I was going through, but I always appreciated the thoughts and love. I think what happens is, people forget. Only a month later, my loss is still very fresh and almost more "real" to me. I feel like I need friends and support more than ever right now. I know that life goes on for everyone else, as it is supposed to, I just sometimes feel very much alone. I find it hard at times to even get up in the morning. I get asked questions like, "What is wrong?". Do I really have to answer that? Some act, although unintentional, as if I should be "over it" already, but I can guarantee that will never happen."Why is today harder than yesterday?" Well, as time goes on, the loss and missing aspect of my Dad becomes more and more real for me. I have more time to miss him. I become envious of those who get to talk to their Dad's, and I resent those who argue with them. I cannot pick up the phone and call my Dad, and it hurts me, at this point, when people try to tell me that I can still talk to him. It is not the same. Unless you have ever been in this position, you cannot tell me that it is just as comforting. Maybe those words of advice will help me later, but not right now. I regret the tears I wasted over people, when I could have been spending time with my Dad. I hurt over those who let me down during a time when I needed them most, and then pushed me after doing so. This life altering event has forever changed me as a person. I will choose my relationships wisely. I will be patient with others. I will guard my heart more closely, and I will never let a day go by without letting those around me know how much I love them. Te Amo Daddy.

What size am I in fancy jeans?

Seriously. Why do fancy jeans make it so difficult for normal people to buy? Maybe they feel that if you aren't fancy enough to know what size you are in fancy terms, then you aren't fancy enough to wear their jeans. Which, is brilliant on their part. I normally don't buy fancy jeans, but I found a pair on sale at shopittome.com, so I figured I would try them. Now if only I could find my size! To those of you who I have texted about my fancy jeans size, thanks and gig 'em for NOT writing me back. Anyway, onto my new obsessions...

My new favorite shopping obsessions are:

shopittome.com and

ruelala.com

These two websites have added so much happiness to my day. Sad I know. Shop It To Me (annoying name, clearly), will email you sales twice a week. I have mine set for Tuesdays and Fridays. I always get excited when I see my sales email come through Friday morning! Rue La La on the other hand, has a set of designer sales every day. I have gotten some really great deals through both of these websites, and I highly recommend them!

My new chap stick addiction:

Nivea: A Kiss of Moisture

LOVE LOVE LOVVVEEE this product. I am a chap stick addict, so the word, "LOVE" means a lot when I use it. I lost mine yesterday between work and my car...so I WILL be making a stop by Walgreen's on my way home today. Seriously. Try. It.

Body wash like whoa.

Caress Evenly Gorgeous Exfoliating Body wash with Burnt Brown Sugar

As if the description isn't enough to make you want to buy it, the smell will make you want to chug it.

I love you Mr. Caress.

I hope everyone has a fabulous Friday!!!!

Happy Friday!!

I hope everyone has a great weekend!!! I'm going to entertain you with an, "About Me" facebook section that I find hilarious. This was written by one of my friends who is hands down, one of the funniest people I know. Enjoy!

Quid quid latine dictum sit, altum ... I think its ironic that girls look so hot in boy shorts... people who pass through a swinging door that is closing and dont help it stay open should be shot... anyone who answers a question with "well, honestly..." makes me doubt how honest they are... wear a belt if you are going to tuck your shirt in... I pay more attention to a professor's habits than I do the lesson... unless its on a girls head, hair grosses me out... supposevly or supposibly- i mean, seriously?!?!?! nothing good has ever come out of dallas... I believe anything is made better by doin it in the rain... I secretly want to knock girls over who drag their feet wearing flip-flops... it pisses me off when people dont erase the chalkboard or whiteboard off completely... usually I only remember the night before after talking about it the morning after getting drunk... whoever the guy was that invented free bread at restaraunts should be given an award... saying no is practically impossible for me... I'd consider marrying a really tall woman just so my kids could play something other than golf... I always miss my family but I usually get sick of them within the first 30 minutes of being around them... if I could be anyone for a day, I would seriously consider justin timberlake... silence is torture... I love random facts like "stewardesses" is the longest word you type using just your left hand... I've always wondered why girls swing their arms when they walk as if it was some kind of contest to see whose could be the most out of control... whats the deal with girls all wearing the exact same kind of running shorts now?... ive written so many essays that I now feel like I use the bigger words that are found in the thesaurus when Im talking rather than the simpler ones- and its uncomfortable... if people's windshield wipers are going too fast for the amount of rain on their window, I have to tell them to turn them down... if you haven't ridden in the back of a cop car as a result of doing something stupid, you need to live a more exciting life... to/too, who/whom, your/you're- learn to use them properly, its not brain science or rocket surgery... if I dont know you and you're a black guy, I'm going to say "what's up bro"... if you're white, its "whats up man"... I don't know why, but thats just the way it is... i feel like people like me better when I'm drunk, which is depressing... I absolutely can not WAIT for the moment I am so pissed about something that I throw all the papers and supplies off my desk... any driving offense is immediately forgiven if you throw up a kind wave... with all five fingers of course... Dant Vulnera Vitam... Im not sure if it's been said before, but I've never heard anyone else say "lets make like Bob Marley and blow this joint"- so in my mind I am the inventor... the old school eye viewer thing on digital cameras and people who use them are completely useless.

A little bit about me for your Thursday!

I AM...a girly girl

I HAVE...a great life

I WISH...my Dad was still here

I WANT...more time

I FEAR...abandonment

I HEAR...everything

I WONDER...what happens after you die

I REGRET...losing touch

I LOVE....my family

I ALWAYS...feel complicated

I USUALLY...am happy
I AM NOT...a typical girl

I SING...everything

I RARELY....argue with my sister

I NEVER...forget

I CRY...about everything

I AM NOT ALWAYS...patient

I NEED...to spend more time with friends

At least it's almost Friday!

Sad.

I try not to be a Debbie Downer, and I'm going to try my hardest not to be, but I need my moment. I'm writing tonight because I'm sad. Sometimes writing for me is easier than saying things out loud. Maybe that is something I need to deal with personally. Nonetheless, here I am. I miss my Dad so so much. I feel like there is a huge hole in my heart, and there is nothing that I can do to fix it. It hurts even more thinking about the fact that this hole in my heart, will never be repaired. Yes, with time, things will get better. However, I will never have my Dad back, and I will never get that piece of my heart fixed. I apologize to those friends who I am "neglecting" right now. I appreciate the phone calls, the voice mails, the text messages, the emails, everything. I'm just not ready to talk on the phone right now. It is hard for me to be around big groups of people, and its hard for me to fake normal. It is very common for me right now to have a conversation with someone, and then fall apart immediately after. I feel as though sometimes I struggle to even get words out of my mouth. It feels as though if I open my mouth, sobs will come pouring out, and I wont be able to stop. There are only few people that I can see right now. It is nothing personal, and I love all of my friends, I am just finding some things difficult to overcome. Please don't lose patience in me. I am getting there one day at a time. Its a daily struggle for me to focus on small tasks at hand. There are times when I can work for 30 minutes straight without thinking about my Dad, and then there are times where I stare at the computer for 30 minutes in my own little world. Every day feels dazed. I just miss him a lot.

New Beginnings...and changes

So, Its 11:46 at night and I am not in the least bit tired. I figured I havent blogged in awhile, so hopefully this will make me somewhat sleepy. August has been an emotional month for the Newman family. My Dad passed away on August 4th. He had been fighting cancer for the past 17 months. I feel like cancer somewhat prepares you for the idea of death, but I dont ever think you can be completely ready to say goodbye. We are all blessed to have had the time we were given with Dad, but it is still very hard. I feel like I struggle with my emotions on a daily basis. Some days are harder than others. I'm sure I will blog about Dad and Cancer for awhile, and I'm hoping it will assist in my healing process. People tell me on a daily basis, " I don't know how you are being so strong". The thing is, I dont really have any other option than to be strong. My Dad was strong his entire life, up until the very end. The alternative to being strong is crying every day, and I do not want to live my life like that. My Dad wouldnt want me to live my life like that. So, for now, I am strong, and I am ok. I find myself still saying, "Mom and Dad's house", or "Dad likes _____". I don't life referring to him in past tense. He is not past tense to me, as he will always be a part of my life. I'm not sure if that will ever change. I'm not sure if I ever want that to change. Anyway, thats all I can do on that topic right now.

Moving on...Les, my baby sister, moved to Temple to start her big girl job! I am oh so proud of her, and cannot wait to see her new place. This is the farthest we have ever been apart, and of course I'm a little sad about it. However, this will allow us to spend more time together when we are in the same city visiting, rather than a couple hours every now and then. I love you SISSA! BSITW!

I signed up for my first half marathon! It is the San Antonio Rock N Roll 1/2 in November. I am sooo excited and I'm really looking forward to training.

Alright, thats all for now. I will leave you with some insight of my past month. Have I mentioned that it's almost Friday!!!

This past month I have.....

Reconnected with an old friend

Seen love at it's finest

Watched Laguna beach over and over and over again

Lost my Daddy

Hated Cancer for taking my Dad

Appreciated Cancer for the way it taught my family to view life

Had cupcakes for breakfast...three times!

This past week I have...

Missed my Dad

Been productive at work

Hugged good friends

Cried

Laughed

Lived

Today I...

Felt like a grown up

Rescued my friend from downtown

Visited the 5th Ward

Looked at happy pictures of my Dad

Friday!!!!

I cannot believe it is finally Friday! This week has seemed like the longest week ever. I wanted to do a "Wishful Wednesday" post, but before I knew it, it was Thursday and it no longer seemed applicable. Whatever, I'm going to do it anyway.

I wish.....

I was brave enough to live here:

I fell in love with New York the very first time I visited. The city is so full of life and excitement. I would love to wake up on the weekend in New York, take a walk down the street to get a bagel, and spend the afternoon reading in Central Park. Why is walking so much cooler when it is done in New York? I will drive my car from one store to the next down the street, yet can walk for blocks when in New York. I envy people who will relocate at the drop of a hat. I wish I was brave enough to do that.

Before I sign off for the weekend, I'm going to leave you with a couple of things I learned/was reminded of this week. Enjoy, and have a great Friday!

Life seems better after a cupcake

Good friends are hard to come by, but when found, never let go

Cancer Sucks

Cleaning is therapeutic

I AM capable of being crafty

We will be ok

Dogs in bandannas make me laugh

Patience

I often find myself frustrated with people over small things. Living in Houston, I deal with a lot of crazy drivers. It frustrates me when people don't know where they are going, when they drive 55 in the fast lane, and when they keep their blinker on for miles. I'm talking frustration to the point of tears. I really don't know why this is. It's not like my life depends on the slow driver in front of me. Last night, I was driving in the MD Anderson parking lot, and became really frustrated that the driver in front of me did not know which way to go. After a second of feeling frustrated, my heart sunk realizing what they were there for. They could have been diagnosed with cancer that morning, and were in a daze driving out of the parking lot. They could have a child, parent, or spouse staying in the hospital, and felt lost. They could have been from New York coming down for their first chemotherapy treatment . Point being, we do not know what anyone else is going through. I have decided to make it my goal to be more patient with others. I hope that the next time I'm having an "off" day, I don't have someone yelling at me from the car behind me, or calling me "stupid" for making a mistake at work. Life is too short to hate that much.

One of my FAVORITES of my sister & I